Should I Stay In A Sexless Marriage Or Leave? (Advice From Marriage Quest’s Couples Counselors)
Could you really spend the rest of your life in a marriage without sex? If you’re stuck in a sexless marriage right now—questioning your future, wondering if you’re the only one feeling this way—you are not alone. In fact, one of the most common reasons couples reach out to us at Marriage Quest is to get clarity on this very dilemma: Should I stay in a sexless marriage or leave?
They don’t always say it out loud at first. They talk around it. They say they feel distant. Or tired. Or “just not connected anymore.” But beneath it all is the loss of physical intimacy—and the ache it leaves behind.
Whether you’re the one craving connection or the one feeling pressured, the emotional toll is real. And at some point, you have to ask: Is this sustainable? Is this fixable? Let’s walk through what a sexless marriage really means, how it affects you, and what your options are if you’re feeling stuck, resentful, or confused.
What Does It Really Mean To Be In A Sexless Marriage?
Technically speaking, experts often define a sexless marriage as one with fewer than 10 sexual encounters a year. But numbers don’t tell the whole story. We care more about something else: impact.
Impact is what happens when the lack of sex does to your bond. When one partner starts to feel undesirable, rejected, or emotionally shut out, the lack of physical connection can seep into every corner of the relationship. At that point it might not matter that you love one another because as a result of the rejections, you start to stop loving yourself.
Maybe you start questioning your own attractiveness or your own place in the relationship. Maybe you avoid each other in the evening. Or maybe you’ve both silently agreed not to bring it up anymore. That’s the impact. And it’s a red flag.
Loving Someone Doesn’t Always Solve The Problem
We hear this a lot: I don’t want to be in a sexless marriage, but I love my partner.
It’s a heartbreaking place to be. Because love isn’t the issue. You might still share affection, laughter, and family life—but that’s not the same as sexual intimacy. Over time, going without physical closeness can erode even the strongest emotional connection. It breeds frustration, resentment, and loneliness.
In fact, many couples that divorce claim they love each other. Love isn’t enough on it’s own to save a marriage though.
That’s why at Marriage Quest, we tell couples: “We advocate for marriage—but not at any price.” Staying in a marriage that denies your most basic emotional and physical needs isn’t noble. It’s damaging. It can also be a bad role model for your kids.
How To Talk About The Lack Of Sex Without Making Things Worse
So how do you bring it up on your own without starting a fight or triggering defensiveness?
Start small and stay vulnerable. You might say:
“I’ve been feeling more disconnected lately, especially physically. I miss us, and I want to find a way back to the fun we used to have.”
Avoid accusations like “You never want me” or “You don’t care about my needs.” Lead with how you feel and what you desire, not what they’re doing wrong.
Keep in mind, the point is to understand what’s really happening and finding a way to move forward together. This conversation can’t be about pointing fingers or casting blame if you want to bring back your connection and intimacy. If the conversation spirals—or if you’ve already tried and ended up in a fight—that’s usually a sign it’s time to bring in a third party.
Real Talk: Can My Sexless Marriage Be Saved?
What might surprise you is that even deeply troubled marriages with mistrust, infidelity, distance, and even contempt can be saved if both people are willing and motivated to do the work. There isn’t one global sign that says your marriage is doomed other than you simply want it to be over. Other than that, if you both want to repair your relationship, it can happen.
Sex can return. But it doesn’t start with sex. It starts with emotional safety and rebuilding the bridge of connection. We’ve seen couples who were living like roommates rediscover passion they thought was long gone.
In our work, we treat your marriage as our client—not just one partner or the other. And we help you create a vision of intimacy that works for both of you.
When is it time to leave a sexless marriage?
That is a deeply personal question that only you can really answer. You don’t have to stay stuck. And leaving doesn’t mean failure. As we sometimes tell clients: “Sometimes exploring separation can actually improve the connection.” It gives clarity. It creates movement. And it might even lead to a fresh start—together or apart.
What if I want more sex than my husband does?
This is more common than you think (especially during or post menopause for many women)—and it doesn’t make you needy or selfish.
A mismatch in libido can leave one partner feeling rejected, while the other feels pressured. And both sides suffer in silence. Instead of labeling one person as the problem, we explore why the mismatch exists: Is it medical? Emotional? Habitual? A reaction to unspoken resentment?
From there, we help couples get on the same page—without shame, pressure, or guilt.
How long will a man stay in a sexless marriage?
Longer than you might expect. Many people share that they will stay in a sexless marriage for years—even decades—especially if they have other reasons for staying: they love their partner, value their family unit, or believe that the rest of the marriage “isn’t that bad.”
But behind the quiet endurance is often deep grief. They miss feeling wanted. They crave physical closeness, not just for pleasure, but for connection. Over time, that longing can turn into sadness, then anger, and eventually resignation. They may stop trying. They may emotionally detach. Or they may start seeking validation elsewhere—through fantasy, pornography, or emotional connections outside the marriage.
The problem is what the absence of sex represents—a growing distance that feels harder and harder to bridge.
If my marriage is sexless, am I justified to have an affair?
This question comes up a lot. Not because someone wants to cheat—but because they’re in pain. They’re lonely. They want to feel desired again, to be touched, to be chosen. And when that longing has gone unanswered for too long, the fantasy of escape becomes tempting.
But the truth is, an affair won’t fix what’s broken. It might give you a temporary high or a feeling of validation—but it also creates more pain, more mess, and more disconnection.
Our experience is that people really want to be seen. To be cherished. To feel alive again. And that starts with facing your marriage as it truly is—not running from it.
If you’re even considering this question, it’s a sign that you and your partner need help. Not punishment. Not shame. Just honest, focused support.
What if I think the rules don’t apply to us?
You’re not alone in this thought. Many couples convince themselves that their love story is different—that this dry spell is just temporary.
However, if the disconnection has gone on for months or years, it’s not a phase. It’s a pattern. And patterns don’t shift without effort.
As we often say, “Many couples are frustrated with the status quo, but their style of communication keeps them suspended in this state.” Talking about it is the first move. But acting on it is the real change.
Should we have talked about this before we got married?
Yes. Absolutely. But very few couples do.
We’ve worked with countless couples who say, “I wish we had talked about this before we said ‘I do.'”The reality is, most people assume that sexual desire will just take care of itself. That chemistry will last forever. That loving someone deeply will automatically translate to a fulfilling sex life.
But here’s the truth: sex is a skill. Intimacy is a practice. And life is complicated.
We’ve seen how the pressures of parenting, career burnout, mental health struggles, hormonal changes, and unresolved trauma can all take a toll on sexual desire. What felt effortless early on becomes neglected over time—not from lack of love, but from lack of awareness.
If you’re wondering should I stay in a sexless marriage and looking back at what was never discussed before marriage, you’re not alone. That doesn’t mean it’s too late. These are conversations you can—and should—still have. The goal is to build awareness now, so you can reconnect with intention.
We help couples navigate those conversations. We create space for honesty. And we teach the skills that so many people were never taught, even before they made a lifelong commitment.
Should I Stay In A Sexless Marriage Or Leave?
You don’t need to answer that today. But you do need to stop avoiding it.
Staying might be the right choice—if both of you are willing to show up. If there’s still tenderness, hope, and mutual effort.
Leaving might be the right choice—if one of you has already closed your heart or refuses to address the deeper issues that are holding you back.
Whatever you decide, don’t do it alone. Don’t carry the weight of this pain without support. Get the tools. Have conversations. Decide from a place of clarity.
Marriage Quest Can Help
At Marriage Quest, we offer private, 3-4 day marriage retreats for couples in crisis. We don’t sugarcoat things. We help you slow down, look honestly at what’s working (and what’s not), and make a real decision about your future.
As we like to say: “Our job is to get you results during your retreat and give you the tools to continue long after you’ve left.”
Whether you’re hoping to save your marriage, restore intimacy, or separate respectfully, we can help. Reach out today to get started!
