If your wife had an emotional affair, you are likely grappling with trust, insecurity, and grief. As painful as this is, know that both you and your marriage can recover from this infidelity. Think of an emotional affair as a warning signal that all is not well and that your relationship needs some support. Relationship maintenance and strong communication are key to turning your marriage around.
It is unlikely that an emotional affair will lead to a full breakdown of your marriage. In fact, it’s helpful to look at the situation as an opportunity to recommit and rebuild the connection between you and your wife. Seen in a positive light, the emotional affair can be used as a catalyst to strengthen your relationship. Let’s take a closer look at what you can do to save your marriage.
Why Did She Have An Emotional Affair?
The first step toward healing your marriage is to understand why your wife had an emotional affair. If your wife had an affair (emotional or physical), chances are there was a communication breakdown years ago and you’re just realizing it now. At some point, your wife felt better turning to someone else for emotional connection. When certain needs are not met within the marriage, we are more likely to go outside the marriage for fulfillment.
Emotional affairs happen more often than you think. In our culture, there’s an expectation that men are stoic and rational, while women lead with their feelings. Over many generations, men became what I call “human doings” rather than human beings. Their self-worth and identity is based on action rather than emotion. Men may express love by providing for their family and working hard. But unfortunately, they’re not working hard at their relationships. And this may feel like neglect and disinterest to your partner, opening the door to loneliness and resentment.
Marriage Requires Maintenance
Many men assume that marriage doesn’t require maintenance but this can’t be further from the truth. After the thrill of the honeymoon phase of a relationship is over, the maintenance stage begins. Similarly to cars needing periodic tune-ups, oil changes and cleaning, relationships need regular upkeep. Frequent date nights, shared interests and hobbies, and emotional and physical connection all count toward keeping your relationship happy and healthy.
Consider whether you’ve made enough of an effort in maintaining your relationship with your wife. Have you made time to be with her in and out of the bedroom? Have you expressed care, affection and concern? Have you surprised her with little romantic gestures like flowers or flirtation? If the answer is no, start slowly but take time to show your affection and caring. This will go a long way in rebuilding your connection.
The Importance Of Communication
The most effective marriage-saving tool is good communication. This involves listening with an empathetic ear just as much as speaking. When you and your spouse create a safe space to share your thoughts, air out frustrations and express yourselves openly, your marriage will be able to withstand many bumps in the road.
In the aftermath of your wife’s emotional affair, it is most important to reestablish good communication. Let her know how you feel, and ask her to do the same. See if you can get on the same page about where you want your relationship to be and what you both can do to get there. It won’t happen overnight, so lay out some achievable interim goals and work toward those goals as partners. It’s time to come together to move forward from crisis to resolution.
How A Marriage Retreat Can Help Save Your Marriage
Marriage Quest developed the first couples retreat program of its kind, and we’ve helped thousands of couples navigate through crises. We pride ourselves on quickly and efficiently guiding couples on their journey toward healing by identifying the root causes of marital conflict and shepherding you toward practical solutions. We also equip you with communication skills which will continue helping you long after the retreat is over.
At Marriage Quest, our therapists do everything we can to help rebuild broken marriages to be stronger and more resilient. Couples who were closely bonded to begin with are in a far better position to withstand marital distress. Rekindling a relationship is far easier than kindling one.
Experience shows that about 20% of couples end up separating after a major shakeup like an affair. But the good news is that 80% stay together and enjoy a renewed sense of connectedness. If you’re ready to repair your marriage after an emotional affair, we’re here to guide you every step of the way.
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