If your sex life slowed down to the point where your husband won’t touch you, you’re probably frustrated, angry, lonely and rejected. There can be many reasons for your husband’s lack of desire for you, and these are important to figure out. But more pressingly, you’re probably wondering what you can do to reignite the spark between you and your husband. While there’s no one size fits all answer, there are several things to consider when your husband loses interest in you sexually. Let’s take a closer look.

5 Common Causes Of A Lack Of Desire

A sexless marriage is usually the symptom of any number of other underlying issues, both physical and emotional. Here are the most common ones:

1. Emotional Disconnect

Couples need to feel emotionally connected to one another in order to connect sexually. Emotional disconnect is a major risk factor for infidelity. If your emotional bond has eroded, you can begin the process of building it back up fairly quickly.

2. Young Children

Young children, and especially babies, make it more challenging to find time (and energy) for sex. Creating time and space for intimacy requires focus and planning. Although this may not be as fun as the carefree experiences you had before children, it is nevertheless important to consciously make sex a priority in your relationship in order to maintain a healthy sex life.

3. Busy Lives

Busy, overscheduled lives are the norm these days. Many couples are juggling careers, school, childcare, and caring for aging parents at the cost of self-care and sexual satisfaction. Sex will likely fall and stay at the bottom of your “todo” list unless you deliberately make time for it.

4. Chronic Illness

Chronic health issues can negatively impact your sex life. Health factors, hormonal fluctuations, and medication side effect libido. Fortunately, there are workarounds for physical and emotional impediments if you and your husband are willing to be patient, understanding, and creative.

5. Past Trauma

A history of trauma, whether physical or emotional, can trigger negative responses which will pull you and your partner away from one another. Coming to an understanding of these traumas and starting to heal will bring you and your partner closer.

5 Ways To Reignite Your Husband’s Desire In You

While a lack of sexual interest is a complex issue, there are a number of things to try based on your circumstances.

1. If you feel emotionally disconnected and stress, anger, or resentment are taking a toll, effective communication and time together will help mend the disconnect. Regular date nights do wonders. It can be as simple as going for a scenic hike or enjoying a meal at your favorite restaurant. The key is to devote time to each other without interruptions or competing priorities.

2. If you have a baby or young children, try to get a babysitter, friend, or relative to give you and your husband a break. Many couples report a decline in sexual activity after the birth of their first child. Rebounding from this dry spell is challenging but important to attempt nevertheless. See if you can initiate physical contact more by holding hands and cuddling.

3. If it feels like you’re just too busy for sex, consider scheduling it in like any other appointment. This may seem unappealing and unromantic at first, but at least you’ll stand a chance at spending time together. Book a reservation at a restaurant or a movie theater, or plan a weekend away. Time together should be treated as a high priority.

4. If your husband is dealing with illness or physical limitations, be flexible and creative to get around physical obstacles. Keep in mind that up to 50% of men over 40 struggle with erectile dysfunction. Your husband may need more stimulation than before in order to feel desired. Alcohol, drugs, weight fluctuation can all affect libido, so work through these challenges first.

5. If trauma is preventing your husband from leading a healthy sex life, it’s important to process and heal from it. Past trauma is often the main reason for marital conflicts. Working with a therapist could be beneficial in healing both the individual trauma and repairing your relationship as a whole.

Lead By Example

As the saying goes, it takes 2 to tango. Even though it seems like your husband is the one responsible for pulling away, consider whether you’ve contributed in any way to this dynamic. The goal is not to lay blame, but to rebalance and set things right.

Fair or not, it may fall on you to be the agent of change in your marriage. Model what you want in your relationship, and see if your husband will follow. Most importantly, drop your swords and talk from the heart. There should be no accusations, blame or shame. Share what you need to feel loved, and start rebuilding your relationship together.

Learn More About Sexless Marriage

Israel Helfand, LMFT, CST, PHD

Israel Helfand is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and a Certified Sex Therapist. He is one of the co-founders of Marriage Quest and has over 40 years of experience supporting couples through difficult conversations on marriage and sexuality. He’s appearing on radio and televisions shows and has been interviewed by numerous newspapers and magazines. He is currently working on his book called Confessions of a Sex Therapist.

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