If your wife has a tendency to yell at you, it can feel embarrassing and degrading. In the moment, you probably want to disappear and avoid further humiliation. But considering this pattern in the longer term, you want to find some way to make your wife stop yelling at you once and for all. The key to reversing this negative dynamic is to understand what triggers your spouse to act out toward you, and then helping her to take a healthier approach.
Verbal abuse is never an acceptable behavior. If you or someone you know is experiencing verbal abuse of any kind, please contact the national domestic violence hotline. Keep yourselves and your loved ones safe and take good care of each other.
Why Do We Yell?
Humans act out when we feel threatened, frustrated, or feel unheard. Usually when words aren’t enough to get to a desired outcome, the nervous system takes over causing tempers to flare and patience to plummet. And that’s when the yelling begins.
People with past trauma are often easily triggered and act out. It’s a subconscious way to say “don’t mess with me”. As an evolutionary adaptation, yelling is more of a survival tactic. It’s a way to fend off potential threats. Unfortunately, this defensive response hasn’t adapted to romantic relationships, where closeness is the ultimate goal rather than distance.
How To Respond When Your Wife Is Yelling
When you find yourself on the receiving end of an outburst, listening is the most important action you can take. Your wife is most likely yelling because she tried to communicate a message but she feels it hasn’t been received. When your partner feels heard, she is less likely to yell, so show her you are actively listening now.
Make every attempt to have intimate conversations in private. This way if tempers flare, you’ll be able to manage the situation privately, recalibrate, and self-soothe as necessary. Even in private you might feel belittled or dehumanized, disrespected or unsafe. But you won’t have the additional burden of dealing with being embarrassed in front of others.
Remember that yelling is like a tantrum, but for grownups. Sometimes you just need to be there and hold the space. See if you may be able to soothe your wife by holding her, validating her, or maybe just take a break. Sometimes even a few minutes apart will help calm you both down.
Repair The Relationship To Minimize Outbursts
When you and your partner come back together after an episode, it’s time to repair both the communication and the relationship. There are 4 main steps in this process:
Own your mistake: Identify what you did which upset your wife and admit that this was a mistake. Whether you weren’t paying attention to her, forgot to do something, or ignored her request altogether, take responsibility for your actions.
Express empathy: Show that you understand how your actions (or inaction) made her feel. This creates a connection and bridge between partners. This may be hard to do, but it’s important to learn this important communication tool. It’s as simple as saying, “I understand how upsetting it is when you’re trying to have a conversation with me but I’m paying more attention to the TV than to you.”
Say what you should have done: When you articulate something, it actually creates a rewiring in your brain. This makes it more likely to ultimately create behavior change. It also illustrates to your partner that you acknowledge a better solution, action, or behavior, and shows that you are actively participating in making improvements to your relationship: “When you came to talk to me, I should have turned off the TV in order to give you my full attention. Or I should have told you that I need 10 more minutes to finish watching and then turn my full attention to you.”
State the benefit or outcome if you had responded better: Identifying the benefit of making a behavior change creates positive reinforcement, deepens your connection, and actually makes it more likely you will follow through with the proposed change in the future. When you and your partner can share a positive vision of the future, it helps motivate both of you to make changes in service of the relationship.
Lastly, discuss how to handle emotional outbursts proactively to be prepared if it comes up again. If you are going to try any of these strategies, make sure you discuss your approach with your spouse ahead of time. Trying to manage someone’s behavior in the moment without an agreed upon plan often leads to further issues.
Talk it through in advance and prepare an action plan. If your wife begins to yell at you, agree on a signal for taking a time out or move to a more private space in which to continue the conversation. You may not be able to stop emotional outbursts entirely, but you can both raise awareness of this dynamic and work together on improving your communication.
If you would like professional help to improve your communication or support for when your wife yells at you, click the link below to learn more.
