Feeling resentful in your marriage can be very stressful. Sometimes it is obvious why the resentment is there. But if it has been going on for a long time it might be a subtle ache in the background of your mind and heart, as well as in your relationship with your spouse. It can feel overwhelming to try to deal with and resolve it. You might be saying to yourself, “I wish I knew how to deal with resentment in my marriage.” But where do you even start?
Most long-term couples tend to have some long-standing resentment. This is perfectly normal. Unraveling these feelings will require some self-reflection and open communication between you and your spouse.
What Can I Do To Heal My Resentment?
There are things you can do to feel more at peace with any situation. First, it is useful to identify what you are resentful about. What happened between you and your spouse which led to the resentment? Did they have an affair many years ago or continue to talk with an old lover after you were in a committed relationship? Did they lie to you about something else, perhaps a money situation or an addiction issue? What specific event or situation is behind the resentment?
If you can pin down what you are upset about it will be easier to move beyond it all and feel some relief. Some people find that some individual therapy like EMDR is useful when the memories from the past keep haunting them in the present moment.
If you do trauma healing work, the memories may continue but they won’t feel as overwhelming and painful. That alone can be useful. Sometimes, resentment is very old. May couples have issues in their relationship from before marriage and the pain of those events still lives on.
Is The Resentment From Childhood Wounds?
Sometimes, resentment in current relationships has roots in past experiences and old relationships. Things that upset us and trigger painful feelings often stem from past events in our life.
For example, when my husband seems uninterested in what I am saying, I can feel ignored and unimportant. I begin to think that he doesn’t care about me. Or, that he certainly does not care about what I’m talking about.
While I know that this is a remnant of a childhood wound for me it can still feel like he is ignoring me on purpose today. My parents did not seem interested in things that I wanted to talk about. They may have actually cared, but as the youngest child in the family, I often felt ignored.
Many people get triggered in their marriage because of childhood experiences and other relationship wounds and traumas from long ago. Things that bother you today often have roots from your past. It’s useful to put these things in perspective and own your sensitivities and reactions.
Avoidance Of Issues Is Not The Answer
Many people will avoid dealing with stressful situations, hoping it all will just disappear. Sometimes the conflict is a minor issue and it will resolve itself. Other times, the conflict or stressful situation is a sign of a bigger problem that should be dealt with sooner than later.
As always, good timing is important. If you need to communicate your frustration and dissatisfaction with your partner, find a calm time to talk. Ideally, this is a time without distractions when you can focus on the topic at hand. Perhaps prepare for your conversation by making some notes for yourself about what is bothering you and why. Maybe you have some insights into your past wounds and why you get triggered with your spouse’s more recent behavior.
Try to present your issues and concerns in a positive and constructive manner. Try to avoid blaming and accusing your spouse for things that they have said or done. Instead, think of what you want or what you would have liked them to say or do. Not only will they be better able to hear you but they will also feel you respect them. Most importantly, you are more likely to have better outcomes in the future.
Long Term Marriages Have Some Long-standing Resentments
Married couples who have been together for a long time it are likely to have some differing opinions and disagreements. All couples see things differently at times. Typically, it is not the different points of view that are the issue. It’s how you talk about them and how receptive you are to your spouse’s perspectives.
It is useful to understand that differing opinions are actually healthy in a marriage and family, especially if you have children. Showing that you have different points of view in your marriage allows children to have their own perspectives as well without fear of judgement or shame.
After many years of marriage, it is understandable that some resentments have built up if they’ve never been dealt with. While that may be normal, it is not really healthy. Learning to deal with past resentment and unfinished business can be freeing and empowering. Couples who learn how to stop resenting their partner and heal the past wounds are more likely to have a happier future.
Counseling Can Help Healing Resentment
Obviously, it could be useful to deal with your past resentments with your spouse and clear the air. If it seems challenging to do this on your own, consider the idea of getting professional help. An intensive marriage retreat, like Marriage Quest, can be a great way to clean up the past while learning some new skills for a better future together. Our therapists are experts in successfully helping couples learn from their past and replace old, unhealthy patterns with new healthier ones.
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