As a couples therapist, I’m frequently asked, “How long is too long to go without sex?” Unfortunately, there is no one answer. Some couples have daily sex, others weekly or even monthly and can be perfectly satisfied. As it turns out, frequency is not usually what makes or breaks a fulfilling sex life. The issue is often the discrepancy between spouses’ desires. Sexual appetites fluctuate over time, especially as we age. And therein lies the challenge – to bridge the gap between a mismatch in libidos and ensure both partners are getting the most out of their sex life with each other.
How Do We Define Sex?
Sometimes I work with couples who say they don’t have sex anymore. But then they acknowledge that they still enjoy sexual contact but stop short of penetration. It’s important that we don’t have too narrow a definition of what sex is. I can’t stress this enough. There is so much more which qualifies as sex than just intercourse.
Moreover, your definition of sex may change over time and under different circumstances. If you have physical or medical limitations which preclude penetration, you can turn to oral sex and sexual touch. Women who have recently given birth may not be ready for vaginal intercourse or be comfortable in positions they enjoyed before. So they may require some adjustments and creativity while their bodies heal postpartum.
Similarly, in midlife, hormonal fluctuations, erectile dysfunction (ED) and a slew of other emotional and physical factors may put a temporary pause on sexual activity altogether. On the other hand, some older couples make it a priority to fix their sexless marriage and enjoy an active sex life in their golden years.
To make matters even more complicated, there are cultural and religious factors which affect one’s understanding of what counts as sex. Sexual or emotional trauma from childhood also plays a big role. With so many factors to consider, it’s easy to see that just like there is no one concrete definition of what sex is, there’s not one single norm for how often you should be engaging in sexual activities.
3 Factors to Consider In A Sexless Marriage
A fulfilling sex life is part of a happy, healthy marriage. You don’t have to settle for a sexless marriage. While some small minority of couples are content to settle into sexlessness and just enjoy each other’s companionship, most long-term partners maintain a desire for sexual contact.
If you feel dissatisfied or worried about a lack of sexual activity with your spouse, there are 3 common factors to consider:
- Do you both share the same definition of sex and agree that your sex life needs reviving?
- Is there a mismatch in your libidos and attitude toward sex?
- Are both of you willing to do the work in reigniting the spark in your relationship both in and out of the bedroom?
It’s important to identify the issue before you can find a solution. Honing in on the obstacles in your sex life requires frank and sometimes awkward conversations. Many couples find that working with an experienced marriage and intimacy therapist makes the process easier.
When You’ve Gone Too Long Without Sex, A Marriage Retreat Can Help
A retreat is the most efficient way to get this complicated issue sorted out. In a matter of a few days, you and your partner will understand what’s behind your lack of sex and what you can do to fix it. Here at Marriage Quest, we call it “bridging the gap” in your sexual desire for each other.
Bridging the gap between partners may include discussions about emotional intercourse vs. sexual intercourse. The idea of “emotional intercourse” is about emotional connection and an active engagement in your life together.
Sex is a two way street. Some people like to feel emotionally connected before sex. For example, having time for a long talk or sharing a pleasurable non-sexual experience together. This sense of togetherness opens the door to a sexual experience, and makes sex more enjoyable. Others find that they need sex in order to feel connected. When they experience a physical connection, it’s an invitation to then have an emotional one. Each couple is different, and we work with you to understand your needs and wants.
Whatever the issue, we’ve shown thousands of couples how to strike the right balance and enjoy more closeness in their relationships. If you’ve gone without sex for far too long and are ready to make some improvements, we’re ready to support you on your journey.
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