Many of the couples who sit on our sofa and talk about their marriage are talking about the many years that they have felt disconnected from each other. Both husband and wife have filled their life with dedication to their family and/or jobs. Their marriage was put on hold in order to deal with everything that life tossed their way. They are nervous, yet hoping a marriage counseling intensive retreat can save their marriage after years of poor communication and disconnection.
Most couples have never learned how to communicate in a healthy manner. They never took a course on marriage, intimate relationships, and positive healthy communication. Their parents, and sometimes even their grandparents, were less than stellar role models. Maybe a neighbor or a friend’s parents modeled what a healthy marriage looked like.
Is Healthy Communication Important?
If you are looking for an “everyday” marriage, then good communication is not important. But in a deeply connected marriage healthy communication is essential. No matter what the issues are between spouses, their ability to communicate well together can make everything a lot better. At the same time, a lack of good communication skills will make everything a lot worse. A Marriage counseling intensive retreat can teach you these essential communication skills.
What Is Good Communication?
At its core, good communication is simple: One person shares what they are thinking and feeling in a positive and useful manner. The other person listens with interest and patience. Unfortunately, it’s much harder in practice than it sounds. When couples are under stress their communication often becomes negative and destructive.
Defensiveness and negative reactions create conflict in most relationships. Empathy and love help to smooth out tension and create pathways to a better connection. Even small changes, like speaking with a respectful tone of voice and keeping open and receptive body language can change your experience. Sometimes simply saying, “please” or “thank you” can make a big difference, as well as listening without asking a bunch of questions.
Learning how to communicate positively can have a huge impact on your marriage. Negativity and pessimism can ruin even the best of relationships. The power of positive thinking and the use of kind words are critical, not just in marriage but in all relationships. Kindness matters. Learning how to communicate positively is a great tool toward improving your marriage and your personal happiness.
Put A Positive Spin On Things
One of the most profound things we teach couples at our marriage counseling intensive retreats is to put a “positive spin” on whatever they are trying to say. In other words: to accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative.
Share what you want, need, or desire instead of complaining about the things that you do not like or pointing out your partner’s shortcomings. Behavioral science teaches us that you get whatever you focus on, so focus on what you want, like, and need.
With this simple but challenging change, your communication will improve. Your spouse is more likely to listen to what you’re saying, rather than getting defensive; you are more likely to get what you want; and you will avoid a power struggle.
3 Ways To Go From Poor Communication to Good Communication
Working to improve your relationship skills and techniques is always useful. Improving your communication and problem-solving abilities and keeping the conversation positive and productive is the cornerstone of our work in our marriage counseling intensive retreats. We give you the tools to communicate in a positive way, even when you’re stressed or emotional.
Three things that you can do:
1. Put your negative thoughts in the past tense
When talking with your spouse, put negative behaviors in the past tense if possible. Then, put positive and hopeful ideas in the present or future tense. For example, “I didn’t like it when you came home late without calling or texting. I am really excited to think that you will give a quick call when you know you will be late. That would help me to feel more loved and respected.” This shows that you’re willing to leave behind negativity and work toward a more positive future.
2. Recognize trigger words
Just like many of us have behavioral triggers, we often have words that trigger us as well. These words start a negative spiral because of the emotions they tap into. Knowing your own trigger words and those of your partner can help you communicate more peacefully, and without unintentionally stepping into a minefield.
For example, If my husband starts a sentence with phrases like “You should________” I can get instantly annoyed and defensive, because I experience it as a demand. He’s wise to avoid those words, and we get along better when he does.
3. Play with the power of ‘yes’
How you respond to a comment from your partner can set the stage for how the conversation will move forward or spiral down to a bad place. So, respond in a positive manner. When your partner expresses an opinion or has a request it can be useful to respond by saying “yes” instead of “no.” In addition, say “and” instead of “but.”
For example: If my husband asks me if I am ready to go to dinner and I’m not quite ready I might say, “No, I’m not ready.” It is better for him if I say something like “Yes, I should be ready in about ten minutes.”
When you make these changes in how you respond, you validate what your partner has said. This makes them feel understood and lays a positive groundwork for the rest of the day.
A Marriage Counseling Intensive Retreat Can Save Your Marriage After Years Of Poor Communication
Poor communication might be a sign of a deeper issue between you and your spouse or it might just be the result of a lot of bad habits. It takes about one month to change these habits. Let us help you to begin your one-month journey in turning things around at one of our marriage counseling intensive retreats. At Marriage Quest, we have helped thousands of couples find their way back to each other and deepen their emotional and physical connection. Contact us today.
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