In any marriage, it’s normal to face periods of harmony as well as conflict. However, distinguishing between a temporary rough patch and more serious signs of growing apart is crucial for the health of your relationship. Understanding these differences can guide you in making thoughtful decisions, whether that means seeking help to bridge the gap or taking steps to rejuvenate your connection. Recognizing and addressing these signs early can often be the key to preserving your marriage.
What Does It Mean To Grow Apart?
Growing apart in a marriage means gradually losing the emotional, intellectual, or physical connection that once brought you together. This process can be subtle and slow, often marked by lack of communication, reduced shared interests, or feelings of detachment and indifference toward each other.
Over time, spouses might find themselves living more like roommates than romantic partners, with individual lives that barely intersect. This drifting can be caused by various reasons such as shifting personal goals, bad habits, health issues, changes in values, keeping secrets, or external pressures that strain the relationship.
Is Growing Apart Normal?
Yes, growing apart can be a normal phase in many long-term relationships, including marriages. It often reflects changes in life circumstances, individual growth, or shifting priorities. Here’s how these common signs might manifest along your path in life:
You’re not talking
Communication is the backbone of any strong relationship. When conversations become infrequent with only intense arguments over time or strictly transactional —focusing only on necessities like chores or schedules—it can be a sign that emotional distance is growing. Couples who stop sharing their thoughts, feelings, or daily experiences may find themselves feeling isolated or disconnected from each other.
You don’t spend quality time together without your kids
It’s essential for couples to carve out time for each other that is separate from their roles as parents. If all your spare time together involves the children or family duties, you might miss out on nurturing your relationship. This lack of quality time can lead to a weakening of the bond that initially united you both.
You don’t do “little things” for each other
Small acts of kindness and thoughtfulness, like making coffee in the morning or sending a loving text during the day, are gestures that reinforce affection and care. When these diminish, it may not just signify a busy phase but a deeper emotional drift where the mutual desire to please and prioritize each other fades.
You’re not having sex
A declining sex life can be symptomatic of growing apart, especially if the decrease in intimacy isn’t addressed or understood by both partners. While it’s normal for sexual desire to fluctuate, a prolonged lack of physical closeness can lead to feelings of rejection or loneliness.
You are having sex, but it’s not emotionally intimate
Physical intimacy without emotional connection can feel just as lonely as no sex at all. This might occur if sex becomes routine or feels like an obligation, lacking the passion or closeness that once made it special.
You get upset more than seems reasonable over seemingly little things
When small irritations lead to disproportionate reactions, it might suggest underlying dissatisfaction or resentment in the relationship. These overreactions often mask deeper issues that aren’t being openly discussed.
You’re stuck in a rut and don’t know how to get out of it
Feeling like you are in a continual loop of the same routines without joy or satisfaction can indicate that you have both stopped investing in growing together. This stagnation can create a sense of hopelessness about the future of the relationship.
You have unresolved conflict that you’re avoiding
Avoiding discussions about contentious issues can lead to a buildup of unresolved conflicts. This avoidance often stems from a fear of confrontation or a belief that resolution isn’t possible, both of which can widen the emotional gap between you.
One or both of you has hurt the other and not fully made amends
Unresolved hurt can lead to lasting resentment and a decrease in emotional safety within the relationship. Without forgiveness and genuine healing, these wounds can lead to a permanent distance.
You’re thinking about another person
Entertaining thoughts of intimacy, whether emotional or physical, with someone outside the relationship often reflects unmet needs or dissatisfaction at home. This can be one of the more direct indicators of emotional disconnection from your spouse. This can also be a normal fantasy, so it’s important to ask yourself if your thoughts of other people help or hurt intimacy with your partner.
You’re simply unhappy
Persistent unhappiness is a significant indicator. If you often feel unhappy when thinking about your relationship or when you are with your spouse, it’s a strong signal that the emotional and perhaps even the physical connection between you has weakened.
Now That You Know You’re Growing Apart, What Can You Do About It?
When you realize that you and your spouse are growing apart, it’s essential to take proactive steps to address the issue. Here are several strategies that can help you reconnect and strengthen your relationship:
Open Communication
Start with an honest conversation about how you feel and the changes you have noticed in your relationship. It’s important to approach this dialogue with openness and without blame, focusing on your feelings and experiences rather than criticizing your partner. Also make sure to describe the future you want and not just vent about what hasn’t worked.
Seek Professional Help
Sometimes, the guidance of a counselor or therapist can be invaluable. Couples therapy provides a safe space to explore deeper issues and develop strategies to reconnect and rebuild your relationship.
Prioritize Quality Time
Spend time together without distractions from anything other than each other. This includes time away from the kids and any other responsibilities that pull your attention away from one another. Just know that this effort is a regular practice and should happen often. Whether it’s date nights, weekend getaways, or just quiet evenings together, re-establishing a connection through shared experiences is key. And while a movie night can be fun, it often does not count as quality time.
Engage in New Activities Together
Trying new things together can bring a sense of excitement and novelty to your relationship. Whether it’s taking a class, exploring a hobby, or engaging in a shared project, new experiences can create new bonding opportunities.
Address Underlying Issues
If there are specific issues driving you apart, such as unresolved conflicts or unmet emotional needs, it’s crucial to address these head-on. Ignoring underlying problems can lead to further disconnection.
Set Relationship Goals
Discuss what you both want from your long-term relationship and set goals to achieve these desires. Whether it’s improving communication, spending more amounts of time together, or supporting each other’s individual growth, having common goals can provide a roadmap for your relationship.
Practice Appreciation
Regularly express appreciation for each other. Acknowledge the efforts your partner makes, and express gratitude for the positive aspects of your relationship. This can help build a positive atmosphere and reduce feelings of being taken for granted.
Learn to Forgive
If past hurts are part of the issue, work towards forgiveness. This doesn’t mean forgetting or excusing the behavior, but rather letting go of the hold that resentment has on your relationship.
Regular Check-ins
Establish a routine where you check in with each other about your relationship. This can help keep issues from escalating and ensures that both partners feel heard and valued.
Quickest Fix
The quickest fix for couples feeling a drift in their relationship is to increase direct, positive communication. Taking a moment to openly share your feelings, express appreciation, and actively listen to each other can immediately improve emotional connectivity.
A direct approach does not require scheduling or waiting; it can be implemented right away and can quickly make both partners feel more understood and valued. This quick fix can pave the way for more in-depth strategies to effectively address and resolve underlying issues.
That said, not every couple is able to connect in this meaningful way without feelings of anger, resentment, sadness or fear coming up. If the “quick fix” doesn’t work, that’s a sign that your marriage needs more TLC and that’s when couples counseling comes into play.
Marriage Intensives For Deep Healing & Repair
If you are looking for a more substantial solution beyond immediate communication fixes, attending a marriage retreat is a deeply valuable next step. Marriage Quest offers in-person couples retreats that are a private, intimate step towards healing what caused you to grow apart. These retreats offer a dedicated environment away from everyday distractions, where you can focus intensively on your relationship.
All of our retreats are led by an experienced couples therapist and combine therapeutic sessions with relationship-building activities designed to deepen the bond between you and enhance communication. Committing to a retreat like this is a huge step in the right direction, whether that means you rekindle the spark between you or you explore other options that are the best next step for your marriage.
Making A Commitment To Stop Growing Apart
Making a commitment to stop growing apart involves both partners actively deciding to invest in their relationship. This means prioritizing each other, consistently working on communication, and making conscious efforts to reconnect and strengthen the bond. It starts with setting clear intentions together, acknowledging the issues, and agreeing on the steps you will take to improve your connection.
This might include regular date nights, attending counseling, going on a marriage retreat, or simply dedicating time each day to talk and genuinely listen to each other. The key is consistency and the willingness to address problems as they arise, ensuring that both partners feel valued and understood. Through this committed approach, you can gradually rebuild the foundation of a healthy relationship and restore the closeness that may have been lost.
If you have noticed that you and your spouse are growing apart, it’s crucial to take action. Make the commitment to work towards a more meaningful relationship together. This is the first step towards bridging the gap. Whether it’s through open communication, shared experiences, or professional guidance, every effort counts.
Ready to take that step?
Schedule a private consultation with our team to explore if a marriage retreat is right for you and your spouse.
