Many of the couples with whom we work are on the brink of separating and divorcing. Some had even filed their divorce papers already. And yet, they pause their divorce process to come to Marriage Quest as a last-ditch effort. They are seeking a glimmer of hope and wondering, “Can an intensive couples retreat save us from divorce?”
Many couples who come to a Marriage Quest retreat share a common belief: They think that they are not compatible and that they have irreconcilable differences. In reality, they just never learned how to talk to each other, to listen with a compassionate ear, and to negotiate their differing opinions. These are skills that most people can learn, but have never been taught.
What Are The Real Problems That Can Lead To A Divorce?
In working together with us at a couples retreat, couples who are considering divorce come to realize their crisis is not a sign that their marriage is dead. They learn how their anger and frustration resulted from their hypersensitivity, wounds from childhood, or simply a lack of good relationship skills. This realization opens up a pathway forward for them.
Once a couple is able to gain new insight into what was driving their marital problems, they can add new skills to turn things around. As a result, they leave their retreat with a more positive and hopeful direction. They are more confident knowing they will be better able to cope when the inevitable stressors arise.
The Decision To Split Up
One of the big questions we ask someone who thinks they want a divorce is, “How would you feel if your partner was happily in love with someone else? Jealous or relieved?”
If they know they would feel relieved, it is probably time to let go and move on. If they would probably be jealous, then they still have some desire to be with their spouse and it is worth working on the marriage. Sometimes, the answer isn’t clear cut, but the question is always worth asking.
Regrets About Divorce
Professor William Doherty, an expert on divorce, claims that about 40 percent of divorcees eventually have regrets about getting divorced. Many divorced people experience a moral sorrow about not having kept their commitment in the face of personal unhappiness. Many regret that they did not try harder to save their marriage.
The person requesting the divorce usually feels relieved at first and then, about three years later, has regrets. Unfortunately, the spouse who was dumped has usually moved on by then.
Knowing that divorce regret is common, it’s important to consider this decision fully with clarity and confidence, and not make a premature judgment. Get a professional opinion by consulting with a reliable counselor who specializes in discernment counseling prior to acting on your decision. You might regret a divorce, but it’s unlikely you will regret spending time figuring out whether it’s possible to save your marriage.
Divorce And The Family
The biggest problem with a divorce is the stress between angry parents during a litigated, or court-based, divorce. This is when two attorneys work hard to get the “best outcome” financially for their client. Chaos and struggles are often the result. Lengthy divorces benefit the attorneys. But they are not usually good for the couple or for the children caught in the middle of the process. It affects them not just during the divorce, but in the long term.
Today, there are ways of divorcing with dignity and compassion. Uncoupling with consciousness and love is good for everyone involved. It is better for the children involved and is a good basis for healthier future relationships with your new partners. Divorce does not need to be a war. Moreover, some couples who choose to split up find that they cannot do so immediately. This may be for financial, personal, or professional reasons. They need to find ways to handle life together if they’re not able to break up quite yet.
If you’ve decided to move forward with divorce, contact your local county courthouse and find a good divorce mediator. A mediator helps both spouses come to an agreement, without the need for attorneys (or their legal fees). This is a much better process for the entire family. In many states you can file your divorce yourselves without any attorneys at all. This is called “pro se,” or self-representation.
Children Are Resilient
Most parents who are getting divorced worry about how it will affect their children. Children of divorce are not as damaged as most therapists and authors would have you believe. Children are much more resilient and flexible than adults, and much more adaptable than people give them credit for.
Yes, children may hope and dream that their parents will get back together again. However, they are also able to handle the changes well if parents behave themselves. Children react to your emotional state, so control what you show them. It is normal to be sad or angry, but sobbing or showing rage is not useful for your children to witness.
Remember, children can sense the tension between their parents. Sometimes a peaceful divorce is a better option than the tension and fighting in an unhappy but intact family. The best thing you can do for your children is to learn the skills that will save your marriage and make it better than ever.
An Intensive Couples Retreat Might Save Your From Divorce
Often, when a person looks at the reality of a separation or divorce, they realize that divorce is not what they really want. They are just looking for some relief from all of the anger, frustration, loneliness, and fighting. Once they learn some good communication skills and have insights into their personal sensitivities and challenges, they are able to see a path forward in their marital relationship. A good intensive couples retreat can give you the time and space to explore this important decision and make the best informed decision for you and your family.
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