No matter how much you might want to, you can’t sugarcoat the emotional turmoil caused by cheating in a marriage.
Cheating does more than just hurt. It has the potential to destroy the very core of a marriage. The betrayed partner can start questioning if the marriage is even worth saving after learning about their spouse’s infidelity.
Can one build trust after cheating? Is such a thing even possible?
Well, as with almost everything in life, broken things can be fixed and healing can commence for those involved. This is also true for married couples dealing with cheating and wanting to rebuild their relationship.
Of course, building trust after cheating requires a lot of emotional work. The process involves having spouses go on specific journeys to hopefully meet each other at the end, ready to give their marriage another try.
The person who cheated will have to focus on taking responsibility for their unfaithful actions and put in the effort to start mending what they broke. The betrayed spouse will need to work on forgiveness and learn how to look toward a better future while continuing to be with their partner.
In a sense, the hurt partner is the one who holds the power when it comes to mending a marriage after cheating. They are the person who will have to decide if they wish to continue saving their marriage.
Whether you’re someone who was betrayed due to an affair or you’re someone who hurt your spouse because you cheated on them, the discussion below will be helpful.
Take note; certain tips shared will overlap.
Also, all relationships are complex and different. There are many layers to how spouses interact with each other and how they might continue to interact down the line. This is a starting point, not a definitive endorsement about how every marriage can be salvaged after cheating.
It’s meant for those who wish to understand what goes into rebuilding trust after cheating. While understanding that not wanting to stay married after being betrayed in such a manner is also a valid decision. Although, it’s worth noting that 70 to 80% of couples who get divorced due to an affair regret that decision later on.
Building Trust After Cheating… Where To Begin
Every journey begins with a single step, and your journey towards healing after infidelity is no different. Each step you take brings you closer to your desired goal of rebuilding trust.
The crucial thing is that you are aware of where to begin, providing you with a clear direction and ensuring you don’t waste time on tasks that will not contribute to the healing process.
When it comes to rebuilding trust after being hurt by an unfaithful spouse, the first step is all about acceptance and taking accountability.
The hurt spouse must deal with acceptance, while taking accountability is meant for the unfaithful partner.
What To Do If You Just Found Out
Let’s talk about acceptance first.
As the betrayed spouse, you have to accept that you got cheated on. It happened, and you need to deal with it properly.
There are certain instances of infidelity when the spouse (who is hurt) decides not to mention the affair at all after they find out about it. They ignore that their other half hurt them in such a manner. They bottle up their feelings, think that everything will fall into place, and return to being how it once was with time.
Bottled-up feelings, especially from hurt caused by infidelity, have a high risk of turning toxic down the line. The hurt spouse can end up hating their partner, and the partner who cheated might fall back into having another affair or continuing with their past affair because they weren’t held accountable for their actions.
So, yes, you need to accept the emotional ordeal you have found yourself in. It would be best to tell yourself that it’s okay to experience the resulting flood of conflicted feelings. Focus on showing yourself some grace. It’s alright to feel hurt, sad, frustrated, and even angry after finding out you were cheated on.
As for the spouse who broke the trust, the first step is accountability.
You have to accept the responsibility for your actions. You really can’t try to justify the affair by bringing up statements such as “It meant nothing!” or “I was drunk!”
Also, don’t try to blame your spouse for cheating on them. Statements such as “You don’t look at me the way you used to” and “You don’t spend enough time with me” place the blame on the spouse who’s hurt instead of the person who cheated.
Ultimately, you are the one who decided to hook up with another person, knowing that doing so was going against your marriage vows and knowing that such an action would hurt your spouse when they find out. And this is true in polyamorous or non-monogamous relationships as well as traditional monogamous partnerships. The trauma that really occurs after an affair is rooted in the broken agreements between you, and that can affect relationships of all kinds.
So, take accountability for your actions and work on offering a sincere apology in order to build trust after cheating.
Has The Affair Completely Ended?
Offering a sincere apology to your spouse also includes a significant part of the story: assuring them that the affair has completely ended.
Depending on the situation, you might have to do what your spouse tells you to as a way to ensure that the affair has ended. If that means changing jobs because you hooked up with a coworker, you might have to accept the condition even if you promise never to interact with that coworker at work.
For the unfaithful spouse, immediate action is key to rebuilding trust. The affair must end the moment your spouse finds out, if not earlier. Making the necessary changes in your life to prove the affair ended is a proactive step towards rebuilding trust.
As for the spouse dealing with feelings of betrayal, during this stage, if you want to remain married, you will have to accept or at least be willing to take your partner’s word about the affair’s end so you can begin building trust. This is true whether the affair just happened or if it occurred years ago and you’re just finding out now.
Finding a common ground that encapsulates the “truth” of what happened is how you move into the next phase of recovery. Should the affair be ongoing, or not fully disclosed, you will linger in the emotions of mistrust, fear of it happening again, and you cannot rebuild from there. This part of affair recovery is a very important time to have a therapist to help you navigate because there are often deep, painful feelings and shame that needs to be worked through. And that is very hard to do on your own.
Can You Rebuild Trust After An Affair?
Yes, you can rebuild trust after an affair. However, you’ll need to opt for the proper support system if you wish to accomplish such a task.
There are examples of many married couples who were able to work through the emotional infidelity and the accompanying mental health toll to save their marriage and find themselves in a healthy place.
One of the biggest support systems is couples therapy.
When To Start Couples Therapy?
Some people might not realize that couples therapy has more to offer than helping married couples improve their sex life or resolve certain communication issues. It can aid in rebuilding trust after cheating. It can help both spouses during these fragile early stages of building trust again because of the involvement of a professional unbiased third party.
It would be best if you begin couples therapy the moment an affair has been revealed.
4 Core Areas To Address In Couples Therapy
When it comes to using couples therapy to repair a broken marriage after cheating, 4 core areas should be addressed.
Trust & Rebuilding Trust
Cheating demolishes trust. For a couple to remain together and work through the feelings of betrayal, trust needs to be regained. Couples counseling can help bring trust back into the marriage.
Of course, it’s not going to be an easy journey, but a professional can lend the necessary support to have the couple do the required work to ensure their marriage remains intact.
As mentioned earlier, the betrayed spouse holds the power. They are the ones who decide if the marriage is worth saving or not. They are the ones who get to decide if they’re willing to rebuild trust after infidelity.
The dishonest partner will need to play their role in assuring their spouse and putting in the work to ensure the rebuilding process goes the way it’s supposed to.
Feelings: Sadness, Anger & Grief
Human beings experience emotions. That’s just how we are wired.
Realizing that you have been cheated on by your spouse leads to feelings of sadness, anger, and grief. These are all normal emotions in response to a hopefully abnormal experience.
A professional couples therapist can provide the spouse who has been hurt with the necessary tools to manage such heavy emotions effectively.
Transparency is important when building trust. The dishonest spouse shouldn’t become defensive when their partner asks questions about the affair. However, that’s easier said than done. This is a fine line to walk however because it is recommended that the couple only have two or three discussions about the details of an affair. Lingering on the details for months or years tends to cause further damage to the relationship.
There’s a high chance of conversations becoming toxic if couples don’t know how to go about discussing such heavy issues.
However, having such a conversation in the presence of a professional counselor can aid with keeping things on track and learning about the right ways to deal with the emotions accompanying the answers the unfaithful partner will share.
Mental Health
Certain people end up drowning in their feelings of sadness, anger, and grief. They place the blame on themselves. They feel that it was their inadequacy as a spouse that led their partner to cheat on them. Doing so can take a toll on one’s mental health.
On the other hand, the unfaithful partner can also allow their guilt to eat them up.
Couples counseling can help both spouses have tough, healthy conversations about all their feelings— the ones targeting themselves as well as their feelings toward each other.
Forgiveness & Moving Forward
A marriage can’t be salvaged without forgiveness.
Again, a spouse who has been cheated on doesn’t have to accept the dishonest partner’s apology or forgive them instantly. The hurt spouse can decide to end the marriage right then and there so they can move on with their life.
However, if one wishes to continue staying married to the person who cheated on them, forgiveness does play a major role. It doesn’t need to be complete forgiveness at the beginning of the healing process, but forgiveness needs to exist to some degree for trust to be rebuilt down the line.
Couples therapy can help the betrayed spouse understand the importance of forgiveness and what might be required for them to start forgiving their unfaithful partner. Once forgiveness has entered the process, spouses can continue their conversations with their therapist’s guidance.
A couples therapist can aid both spouses in creating a game plan that details the steps required to initiate forgiveness, authenticity, and what needs to be worked on to keep their marriage going after an affair.
How A Couples Retreat Can Help
Attending a couples retreat has been known to help couples rekindle the spark in their marriage.
Couples retreats are specifically designed to offer therapeutic support to couples dealing with a range of issues in their relationship. Not only do they get to partake in activities and sessions designed by professional therapists to assist with the healing process, but the change in environment also plays a role.
Most marriage retreats are in locations that encourage relaxation, and focus on each other and the relationship.
Getting away from a familiar location has been known to help couples rebuild trust. For example, staying at home might bring up unpleasant feelings if the hurt spouse learns that the unfaithful spouse had the affair in their house.
A location change is also great for couples who don’t want to deal with heavy emotions that might arise due to the affair being with someone in the neighborhood or having to routinely drive by the workplace where the affair began.
Couples getaways have programs that assist spouses who have been hurt by cheating to learn how to reconnect instead of distancing themselves. Marriage retreats like the ones we conduct here at Marriage Quest also aid dishonest spouses in understanding how to encourage their hurt partners to connect again without making them feel pressured or guilty for not being able to be emotionally and physically vulnerable like they used to be.
So, to answer the question about whether or not one can build trust after cheating?
Yes, absolutely married couples can mend their relationships and learn to trust each other again. However, doing so requires a lot of emotional effort.
Not knowing how to address all the emotions that accompany cheating adequately can damage one’s mental health. Couples who don’t have the proper support tools are at a higher risk of bottling up their feelings or allowing those feelings to explode and become incredibly toxic down the road.
That’s why opting for professional help from a couples therapist is recommended.
Professionals are trained in encouraging proper communication between couples wanting their marriage to continue. They know how to help navigate tough conversations in a healthy manner, and they can also provide guidance on affair prevention so that it never happens again.
