In the world of trending theories of what actually works to improve a sexless marriage, one has genuinely intrigued the team at Marriage Quest and that is BDSM. Whether you’re interested in adding BDSM to your marriage or you’re merely curious about what it can offer, we have given this some deep thought, and we would like to share some insights that might help your marriage.
In my clinical experience, the general advice on healing sexless relationships often fails. The advice is most commonly sought from the person who wants more sex and rarely from the person who is either withholding sex, lost interest in sex, or who has a low libido and sex isn’t on their mind.
Inside of marriage there is a healthy amount of sex that couples desire. In our 50 years of combined clinical experience, we know that sex ebbs and flows based on a variety of issues from kids, to stress, to simply time itself. When you’re busy, sex can become a lower priority. When you have ample time, energy, and interest in your partner, sex may flow like water.
When one partner wants more sex than the other does, that desire discrepancy is at the root of many sexless marriage issues.
So even if your marriage is currently experiencing a drought, it doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed. In our practice, we have seen over and over again that couples who started out having a strong sexual connection have the greatest likelihood of rekindling that spark.
Exploring BDSM values is one spicy way to determine what is needed to get closer to your partner so sex is more likely to happen.
What is BDSM
BDSM is a broad term that encompasses a range of consensual sexual practices and behaviors that couples engage in. These practices broadly involve four aspects: bondage, discipline, dominance and submission, and sadism and masochism. Here’s a quick breakdown of each BDSM element.
Bondage and Discipline (BD):
Bondage involves using restraints, like scarves, ropes, cuffs, or other tools to limit your partner’s movement. This often enhances physical sensation and increases vulnerability.
Discipline is about establishing rules and consequences (like spanking, biting or other punishments) when rules are broken. Discipline establishes a power dynamic between partners that some find arousing.
Dominance and Submission (D/s):
Dominance and submission (D/s) is a psychological and emotional exchange of power between a couple as well as during sex. One person (the dominant) has control over another (the submissive), who agrees to submit in specific, consensual ways. This power exchange may be largely psychological and may not involve physical acts of dominance, but each couple decides their own rules for their D/s relationship.
Sadism and Masochism (SM):
Sadism is the pleasure one derives from inflicting pain or discomfort on a willing partner.
Masochism is the pleasure one derives from receiving pain or discomfort from a willing partner. Often the SM portion of a BDSM relationship is led by the D/s roles described above.
One Firm Rule: Consent Is Critical
Consent is the cornerstone of BDSM. Everyone must mutually agree on activities, safety and stop actions and respect each other’s boundaries. Contrary to what many believe, it’s often the submissive role that has more control. The bottom, as it is sometimes called, is the one that gets to plan the scene and set boundaries. It may look like the dominating person is in control, but that is part of the process.
Looking at BDSM as a guide for sexless marriages, consent is the best place to begin. Consent is the act of asking before acting. It is gaining permission before imposing your will on another person. It is also respecting the sanctity of another person and honoring their expertise regarding their own needs and beingness.
In all relationships, consent is critical for a whole host of reasons and gives strength to a partnership. Couples who have respect for one another at this deep, core level have a significantly stronger base to solve problems from. Healing sexless marriages requires this level of love, respect and consideration for couples to find solutions that work for both people.
Why Does BDSM Have A Positive Affect On Relationships?
BDSM requires that couples communicate about every aspect of their sexual interactions. From early foreplay to the end, a BDSM partnership leverages a set of core values that allow the playful aspects to come to light.
Consider that you can’t change your traditional ways of having sex without your partner agreeing… Adding something new often raises an eye, so imagine how much of a change it would be to go from a traditional way of having sex to tying your partner up? For it to be appreciated, accepted, and enjoyed, both people must agree to what’s ahead.
BDSM relationships by their very nature support each of the following psychological practices, all of which help insulate marriages from conflict and encourage repair and deeper connection.
Increased Trust
Imagine lying on your back in a compromising position, your beloved tying a scarf around your wrists. What would have to happen for you to feel safe in this position? A whole lot of trust. When couples expand their sexual playbook, they need to increase safety along the way. When someone feels safe with you, increased trust is a natural byproduct.
In BDSM relationships, couples practice new sexual positions, roles, and outcomes all of which rely on the safety between the two being foundational. With stop words in place, the boundaries of sexual practices can be explored without the fear that something will go too far or be too much. Having consent and agreements that are followed no matter what is how couples deepen their trust in one another. That applies to all relationships, regardless of how vanilla your sex life may be.
Increased Communication
BDSM relies on healthy communication. This is especially true given the nature of what couples do in their bedroom. If you or your partner want to try a new toy, position or approach, it has to be agreed upon. That pushes couples to talk with one another in ways they may never attempt in daily conversations.
Consider that when someone is motivated, they are often willing to try harder, and that is very true about sexual communication. It may be strange or uncomfortable to discuss certain topics, but if you want those activities inside of the bedroom, you must discuss them.
For couples in sexless marriages, all-too-often the barriers to uncovering what caused your sexlife to drop off needs to be talked about. Those conversations can be difficult and uncomfortable, yet, they still need to happen.
The bravery couples show in BDSM relationships when it comes to talking about their sexual desires is a good mirror for how you can find the courage to talk about important issues in your relationship.
Increased Connection
Vulnerability leads to connection in relationships where there is mutual trust and security. In other words, talking about the “hard stuff” can lead to feeling closer to your partner in ways you may not anticipate before the conversation happens. The loop between vulnerability and connection can build and strengthen over time.
Think about it this way, each time you say or share something that feels sensitive or emotional and your partner responds in a way that leaves you feeling safe, secure and loved, you are more likely to do that again. This loop is how couples repair frayed relationships and rekindle partnerships that are on the brink of falling apart.
Increased Equality
BDSM relationships have a balance to their power structures. Just as you want fairness and equity in your marriage, you can see this in a much more black and white version in the D/s relationships described above. We all have roles to play with our partner. Communicating and having difficult conversations about what feels fair or just in your marriage can help you identify places where you feel there is an inequity.
When it comes to a sexless marriage, sometimes, the different roles being played in your marriage contribute to feeling like you have “given and given” and there hasn’t been a balanced response from your partner. To feel turned on, it’s important to not be in the role of “always giving” so you can feel the energy of wanting to receive.
There is a delicate balance here that can be at the root of many sexless challenges and focusing on equity can bring back some of the space needed to feel desire one more.
Increase Boundaries
Boundaries are a core value in BDSM relationships and they allow individuals to say “no” when necessary. They also allow for renegotiation when the rules feel unfair or uncomfortable. Boundaries in a marriage are important as well so you feel capable of getting your needs met and gaining support, rest, and care when you need it.
Increased Aftercare
There is more to sex than the act itself. In BDSM relationships, aftercare is a critical part of ensuring that the play was received in the way it was intended. Couples of all persuasions benefit from caring for each other after sex so they experience the increased “love” hormone of oxytocin together.
This hormone helps the couple to bond together and encourages couples to be sexual more often. Taking a few extra minutes to cuddle, check-in with one another, be playful, and simply be in the moment is restorative and healing, especially for couples who have gone a long time without sex or intimacy.
Should You Add BDSM To Your Marriage?
This is a wonderful question that really only you and your partner can answer. BDSM is a personal choice and clearly involves consent from your partner to engage in so it’s best asked (and answered) together. In some sexless marriages, couples will reach out to us to see if BDSM is the spark they have been looking for… And it may be.
Sometimes part of the reason for a sexless marriage is someone has a fantasy that they are ashamed to share with their partner. We can help you have that delicate conversation to explore how to become fulfilled once again in your sex life.The only way to really know if this would help resolve a drought in your sex life is to explore it. That said, it can be intimidating to some and often the healing space of a therapy retreat can give you the time and attention needed to see if BDSM is right for your relationship.
How A Marriage Retreat Can Help You Decide If BDSM Is Right For You
Marriage retreats with either David, Cathie or Israel are 3- or 4 day intensive sessions where we explore slowly but with precision what you want for your sex life and what caused the sexless marriage you’re in now to develop.
The elements of trust, communication, fantasy, arousal, connection, equity, boundaries and aftercare are all explored. In the end, you get to decide. We are not in favor or against the decision for you. It’s a matter of personal choice, and we will help you sort through your questions and how your partner feels so you can decide what is right for you and your marriage.
Sexless marriage is not a life-sentence. It may be the season you’re in, but it doesn’t have to last forever.
If you would like to explore how a marriage retreat can help revive your sexless marriage, please reach out to us today.
