Resenting your partner is a sign that things need to change in your relationship. Sometimes, you are the one who needs to do the changing and sometimes it means that your spouse needs to step it up and show you a little more respect and TLC. Either way, it’s time to get you and your spouse on a path to a healthier situation. Let’s look at the 3 most common signs that you resent your partner and what you can do heal yourself and your relationship.
3 Common Signs That You Resent Your Partner
1. Avoiding Spending Time Together
If you find yourself avoiding spending much time together with your partner or spouse it could be a sign of a long-standing or short-term resentment. Sometimes relationships can get stale and boring and people look elsewhere for some fun.
Many people like to balance their life by wanting to spend time with other friends or family members, but an avoidance of time with one’s spouse could be a red flag. Sometimes an innocent friendship with someone who really understands you and appreciates you can lead to an emotional or physical affair. See if you can understand why you are resentful toward your partner and what you can possibly do to change the situation.
Fortunately, there are things that you can do to survive and perhaps even thrive during these turbulent times in your marriage. Over the years, I’ve advised countless couples of how to handle life together when your marriage is in crisis. Here are the most common and practical suggestions.
2. Excessive Drinking And Addictive Behaviors
When people use addictive behaviors like drinking, taking drugs, gambling, or shopping to deal with the loss of a close loving relationship with their spouse, they actually create more of a divide. It might be a quick thrill to spend a lot of money shopping or gambling, or to get drunk at a bar but in the long run it usually is self-defeating and creates a wedge with lovers and family members.
Moderation in all things is useful to oneself and one’s significant others. Plus, over-spending can create other issues outside of just the emotional relationship. Abusing drugs and alcohol, too, has its own issues. Think about the expense of a DUI or drug bust.
3. Fighting More Often
All couples have conflicts and disagreements at one time or another. But if fighting between the two of you is on the increase and you feel like your spouse doesn’t listen to you, this might be a sign of a building resentment and disconnection in your relationship.
Many people avoid conflict for fear that it might lead to a break up and a divorce.
But arguing is not the enemy; It’s how you deal with it that is important. Many couples have found that a well-orchestrated conversation actually leads to a new connection and renewed comfort together.
Resentment Builds Over Time
If you have a nagging feeling of being annoyed all of the time or even hating your spouse, consider how long you’ve felt this way. Resentment usually builds over a long time. Sometimes it is a reaction to a specific event such as an affair. Affairs usually bring up strong reactions such as mistrust, betrayal, and resentment. Other times, resentment is a response to an unhealthy or unmanageable dynamic in your relationships. You may resent your partner if they spend too much time at work or have a completely different parenting style to your own.
Sometimes, feelings of resentment are actually a sign that you care about your spouse and your marriage. It’s like feelings of jealousy too. You would not be jealous if you did not desire your spouse. If you’ve allowed anger and negativity to build in your relationship, it’s time to look for ways to stop resenting your partner and start building a healthier relationship.
Need A Little More TLC?
Many people want to feel more loved, more desired, and more attraction from their lover. Long term couples are often challenged with these goals. If you feel that you need more TLC first start with yourself. Do you need a day at the hairdressers, or spa, or the beach, or a walk in the woods. What can you do to soothe your weary soul?
Make time for yourself and to pamper or deal with things on your to-do list that would feel good to cross off. Sometimes a quick walk around the block, a yoga class or even just a quiet cup of tea and a good book is all the self-care you need to feel refreshed.
Once you’ve treated yourself a little bit better, then look to your spouse for some TLC. What do you want from them? Ask for it. Kindly and gently ask for what you want. Is it a day away from the kids just to be alone? Would you prefer a gift or flowers? Is it a massage or a tender love making session? What would help you to feel loved and cherished, or less stressed?
An Intensive Marriage Retreat Can Help
If you are having trouble asking for what you want or having difficulties being heard, consider an intensive marriage retreat. Here at Marriage Quest, we have helped thousands of couples have mature, adult conversations. Most often, those difficult conversations lead to a better connection and a happier marriage. Spending three days focusing on yourself and your marriage could be the beginning of the marriage you ever dreamed of.
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