Marriage Quest, Israel and Cathie Helfand, Cabot Vermont, 802-563-3063

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Detecting and Surviving an Emotional Affair
Conquering a Mid-Life Crisis
When Your Children Leave Home
Retirement
Addressing Sexual Concerns
Emotional Intimacy and Physical Intimacy
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Retirement

senior couple walking

Regardless of the circumstances, retirement creates a substantial change in the home environment and big lifestyle change for the couple. Whether the retirement was anticipated and well planned or the result of a surprise layoff the change will affect the daily routines that have been in process for many years. After 30 or 40 years of marriage most couples are set in their ways.

Each person has his or her own daily routine, patterns, and priorities. When a spouse retires, everything changes for both husband and wife. Not only does the retiree's daily life go through a major change, which would be expected, but there are also big changes for the spouse’s routine as well.

Obviously how this change is handled will affect each person and the marital relationship. It is not uncommon for couples to have some long-standing issues go unaddressed while they are busy raising the family and working long hours. After retirement, these issues will often resurface or take on a more obvious presence.

Most retired couples enjoy their new lifestyle together for a while. They have more time together and a newfound energy for travel, hobbies, and leisured sex. This can be very exciting and fun. But for many couples the glow wears off and dissatisfaction sets in. Couples often have issues with the retirement phase of life if they had spent little time together, had few common interests, and had little to no connection prior to retirement.

Men are typically raised to be productive as workers making most of the family income, and making the major family decisions. Men retired from high-powered jobs often have big challenges being out of the limelight, off of the pedestal, and without the power of being in charge. Men's identity is often tied into their role as a worker or as we say "a human doing." Therefore they often go through an identity crisis after retirement. Now retired they may feel lost without a purpose and direction. Low self-worth, grouchiness, anger, over-drinking, and depression are common.

Many women, on the other hand, express a frustration when they believe their newly retired husband is trying to micromanage them and their household projects. These women did fine for many years and now "he thinks he knows how to do everything better. He knows how to run the washing machine more efficiently, organize the drawers better, and do the food shopping effortlessly. "

Marital relationships are especially challenged at this time if there was an imbalance in household responsibilities or there was a sense of disconnection before the retirement phase began. Many marriages can be described as “divide and conquer” where the husband works and the wife takes care of the children, as opposed to being couple centered.

If the "retirement" was not anticipated (as in a layoff or being fired) the trauma of the sudden change may cause the marital dissatisfaction to appear immediately. Neither party is relaxed enough to enjoy the amount of time that is suddenly available.

The stressors of retirement

All too often the dreams of retirement turn into a frustrating reality of differing goals and expectations, especially if prior to retirement there were unaddressed issues in the marriage. Sometimes the retiree wants to spend time home alone reading, relaxing, or doing projects that have piled up during the many years while at work. Some retirees want to go off with friends to play golf or tennis.

Often a stay-at-home spouse will have been dreaming of traveling the world together only to find out that their newly retired spouse has very different ideas. The biggest problems appear if the couple is unable to talk about their individual goals and needs and negotiate those differences.

senior couple walking

Typical issues include:

  • Household responsibilities (shopping, cooking, dishes, pots and pans, house cleaning, yard work, bill paying)
  • Time together vs time apart
  • Specific shared activities/hobbies
  • Immediate finances and long term planning
  • Diminished self-esteem for the new retiree
  • Retiree “underfoot” for the spouse
  • Differing sexual appetites

Grey Divorce

There is a new phenomenon called “Grey Divorce”; couples who are over 50 years old, many who are retiring and now wanting a divorce. When someone realizes how little they have in common with their spouse and how they may be alive for many more years it can be motivating to make some changes in the marriage or to let go and get a divorce.

Our goal at Marriage Quest is to help couples explore what can be changed and what cannot be changed. Couples are often surprised to learn that there are some very easy ways to improve their situation, sometimes in very significant ways. Many couples actually report higher sexual satisfaction after retirement than when they were younger and busier. They have the time and focus to enjoy each other in a renewed and exciting way.

Some solutions

Each spouse needs to explore his or her individual goals, dreams, and expectations. Both spouses need to communicate those desires in a useful manner with compassion and sensitivity. One of our goals is to help the couple learn better communication and negotiation skills and use them to make good plans for a happier future whether it is together or not. Another way we help is our couples is to help them understand and prepare for sex and aging. Many couples are surprised to realize that the obstacles before them are not as big as they had feared, and that they can reconnect emotionally and sexually. Maybe even better than the past several years.

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